Thursday, October 8, 2009

on the day you were born

16 years ago, on this date, around this time, i delivered my first child.
but i was not a happy mother......
 the delivery was unexpectedly, undescribably painful...
i did not deliver normally as i had hoped....
i was tired and confused...

i did not get to see my baby until the next day
when my husband showed me the baby........
i was...slightly dissapointed..
he was not like the babies shown on magazines..
chubby and pinkish and cute
instead he was small and thin and...dark?
why is he dark? neither me or my husband is dark...

when i finally hold him up
i noticed he had a silver line in his left lens...
could it be......?? naahh....must be the light...

and , finally on my second day of op
i was told the bad news
he indeed had cataract on one eye
but, why?

and so...this first time mum..
went here and there
asking opinions and second opinions
going from one doctor to the other
the pain from the op surprisingly not felt...

and so they say
nothing can be done
your child will have to live with it
and my heart sank

a poor inept first time mum
a 'handicapped' baby

i wanted to give him only the best
no formula feeds, only breast milk
my idealism brought me stress
to the depth that i never knew
could happen to me

left alone, with very little support
there were times...
i am embarassed to admit
i wanted to hurt the baby....

many years later,
looking back
i have to admit
i was probably having the post partum blues....

i looked up to my Lord
and asked Him....quietly
(for i was it permissible to say these..) LOrd
when i was pregnant
there were 3 wishes
that i asked from you...

as i read surah Maryam-i prayed you will make my delivery easy
as you did Mother Maryam
but you did not.......................

as i read surah Yusof_i prayed you make my child beautiful and healthy
just as Yusof is beautiful
but you did not......................

Now , i pray o Lord
that with all your Rahmah
please grant my third wish

when i was pregnant with this child of mine 16 years ago
i read surah Lokman
and i prayed he will be given Hikmah
and i prayed he will be amongst the solehin
i prayed that he will my Qurratu-a'yun
i prayed that he will bring joy to my heart
on the day that i will need it most
i prayed silently too,
that he will have a golden voice
so he could read me the quran-ul-kareem
and make my heart light

Ya Allah,
i am full of redho
if you had not granted my earlier wishes...

but my third wish
O Allah.....
i asked for nothing else
do grant me my third wish
as i remember this day

when my firrst son was born...


1 comment:

  1. MasyaAllah.
    Allah hears you and He loves you as He granted your third wish.